So the common enemy I was talking about in Tomboy entry will make sence after you read this entry. My dad and mom were both partiers when they met. I ended up being a love child. Long story short my mom moved back to Portland because she wanted to raise her child in the church, and my dad followed because he knew he was going to be a father. The abuse with my mom started before I was even conceived. I don’t know why she didn’t end it there. My father became violent when he was high or drunk, cocaine was the worse. I remember one night I woke up to use the bathroom and saw my dad chocking my mom. He only had one hand on her neck; her feet were off the ground. I’ll never forget that. I don’t remember anything after that. I don’t remember if I went to the bathroom, I don’t remember turning around to go back to bed. The memory is just blank after that. A lot of my childhood is gone and I honestly don’t remember much of my childhood. My father was very abusive emotionally, physically, and psychologically. My father would grab anything within reach to spank us. There were belts, weight belts, hangers, boards, electrical cords, wooden paddles he had made, and wands from the blinds. Whenever we didn’t do anything his way we would name call, stupid, moron, swear, and just tell us how dumb and inadequate we were. We were all scared.
Honestly I don’t know when the sexual abuse started. I’ve seen pictures and know that my older half brother was younger when he started to sexually abuse my brother and me. I know it started before I was eight. It started out with pornography. My dad had huge piles of Playboy’s that my mom didn’t know about. However my older brother from my dad’s first marriage knew where they were. He exposed us to those. He would have girlfriends over and say this is how you do it, and have sex in front of us. Then he would make my brother and I practice on each other. He would get mad when we would fight back, and make us eat raw eggs, bacon, and sometimes shoot arrows at us. He was able to get away with this because both parents worked, and he was our babysitter. He then moved on from to watching to then sexually molesting me. A lot of those experiences I remember just trying to leave my body. I don’t remember much of those years. One time he even passed me onto one of his friends. I remember that his friend looked uncomfortable, and all I thought was at least it wasn’t my brother this time.
The abuse lasted until I was ten. I’ll never forget how happy I was that he was gone. He was wanted by the police for grand theft auto, stealing, and he had ran away. Also the reason it lasted for so long was because we could see my brother lie to my parents and they believed him. I saw my dad do drugs out in the garage with my brother. My brother even said that if we ever told he would kills all of us. We believed him because he showed us his gun. We were scared and the one time we attempted to run away to our grandma’s house. We were banging on her door to let us in and he caught us as she opened the door. He told her we didn’t want to clean our room and so that’s why we were acting the way we were. She said, “Go clean your room. Go be good kids.” I remember just crying as we left.The only reason I was able to tell my family after four years once it had stopped was because we had been reading the Book of Mormon as a family, and it talked about how adultery was such an evil sin. Everyone left and I just sat there staring at the scripture just feeling dirty and guilty. I broke out in tears and told my mom everything. She called my brother in and asked him if this was true, and he said it was. Now there are times that I get choked up a little talking about it. But for the most part I can share my experience with others without crying. I have always wanted to be a spokesperson for children. I want to let them know that there is always someone there who will listen. I just want children to understand that so they don’t have to let the abuse continue. I don’t want children to have to hold it in and carry such a huge burden, because the weight is so unbearable. I want to give people hope, mostly children.
- Current Location:Portland, Oregon